The word practice, of course, begs the question "Practice what?"
Well, its embarrassing to admit, even when the cat is already out of the bag.
I want to write more. Anyone who reads this blog knows that. And part of me is ready to commit more time to this practice. There is another part of me though that is pulling back hard, kicking up all kinds of doubt and fear.
And so, I ask you to wish me luck on this year's voyage. In the face of a whole bunch of feelings, I've tossed out the elaborate plan of last year's word, and instead have done my best to build a schedule that will allow for time in the seat and time to track down some bits of history. I am committed to serving the story that seems to be arriving. I have some work ahead of me, and I don't know how it will turn out. This is hard for me.
I remember when I was in labor with Chloe. Her birth was a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section), and so to improve my chances of avoiding surgery, I opted (before labor) to do it without anesthesia. There came a point in the labor when I told the my doctor that I was ready for the drugs. I remember calculating that I did not want to have gone through so much pain and end up having the surgery anyway. My thought was to hedge--at least if I had the drugs, if I ended up with the surgery I'd have avoided a chunk of the pain. I was trying to figure out how I could protect myself, not knowing how it would ultimately turn out.
At that very point the doctor said to me, "No, no, you'll be fine. Why don't you get on the table and try giving some pushes."
I opened my eyes wide, and full of disbelief, I heaved myself onto the table. I sort of crumpled, and started to cry, "I don't think I can do this."
In her bright yellow shirt she leaned toward me and said, "What do you mean? You're already doing it. You're doing it."
There is a part of me, here at the beginning of 2014 that is hedging, coming up with alternate plans to reduce the pain if I am not able to pull this idea through. If you were my writing doctor, I'd be asking you for the drugs just about now.
I am choosing to take this feeling as a signal that it is time to commit. To get on the table and give a couple pushes, even though there is a voice inside me crying, "I don't' think I can do this."
To her, I say, "What do you mean? Your doing it already. You're doing it."
Have a good week. I wish you luck in whatever adventures and challenges you've taken on for the new year.